Yes, adoption can be scary. Yes, those who adopt are well aware of those fears. If you know someone who is adopting, be a good friend and don’t remind her of those fears by asking questions that will simply make her stay awake all night with worry.

It’s not uncommon for those who are adopting to be approached by friends or loved ones with all of the adoption nightmare stories you hear on expose television shows. It’s somewhat like how pregnant women are approached by other women with labor pain stories. Unfortunately, not every adoption story ends with a happily ever after wrap up, but they are the minority. Most adoptions are successful blessed events. People who have decided to adopt a child are well educated about the emotional and financial risk factors. They have decided to go forward with an adoption despite the risks.

The family that is adopting could even specify that they would be open to adopting a child who has special needs, is disabled, or is (gasp!) a teenager. It’s nearly impossible for anyone to adopt who has not received counseling in preparation; and the more challenging the circumstances, the more counseling may continue after the adoption is finalized. Everyone desires,the same thing, which is the best outcome for themselves and the child.

To those outside of the immediate family, it can feel like they are making choices based on their heart and instincts and not on the realities. Regardless of how much you may feel the need to educate them and get them to be realistic your remarks and advice about the adoption situation will likely only increase tension and create conflict in your relationship.

What are some concerns you shouldn’t vocalize? Some examples include:

[1] Are you nervous that you won’t bond with the baby since you didn’t carry it?

[2] Sometimes adopted children don’t look anything like their parents. What if that happens to you?

[3] How will you ever be able to afford adoption? Have you thought about just getting a dog?

[4] What if the birth father wants some rights? How much do you really know about him?

[5] What if you end up paying for all of the birth mom’s medical expenses and then she changes her mind about the adoption?

[6] There will come a day when your daughter is a teenager and she will want to just run off and live with her birth mom. What will you do then?

[7] Aren’t you scared that his real mom will change her mind and fight to get him back?

[8] What if your child has some genetic illness and you don’t find about it for years?

[9] Do you think you can love her as much as your other kids?

[10] Aren’t you worried about all the emotional baggage an older child comes with? If you got a baby you wouldn’t have that problem.

[11] Did you hear that story about that birth mother who kidnapped her child because she wanted to get him back?

[12] Aren’t you worried that he is not really yours until the court date? The birth mom could change her mind any time.

Adoption is full of unknowns, but so is parenting in general. When your friend or family member is adopting, or has just adopted, know that you don’t have to ask them these questions in order for them to be aware of the fears that can accompany adoption.

Each family that adopts must choose to surrender over the fears and hope. Your support as a good friend is more valuable than any questions you can ask.